Call Her What? Midnight Chardonnay!

What’s your name? Do you like it? Would you change it if you could? I hope your answer is positive — I’d like to think you’re happy with the words chosen to represent you; as you most likely know there are those out there less fortunate, those that are represented by some names that others might find a little odd, a smidgen inappropriate…flat out weird.

We all know how important a name is; it is often the first thing someone will learn about you, other than how you look, it is what represents you on legal documents, your passport, at the bank, in the phonebook, in your friend’s cell phone. Can you imagine trying to get by without it? People might talk about you by referencing your appearance: “my friend with the big eyes, he knows the girl with the pointy nose that works for the man with the green mohawk.” This would become understandably difficult, so it’s not hard to see why we have names, the easiest form of a label that we’ve yet devised. But, do we really know just how much of an effect these names have on the people endowed with them?



There is a phenomenon known as aptronyms, in which a persons name is somewhat appropriate to their jobs or lifestyle; there is backing of this idea through psychology too. Some examples:

  • Storm Field is a meteorologist, so is Amy Freeze.
  • Allen Forward is a rugby forward.
  • Jim Horn is a saxophonist.
  • Bob Rock is a rock music producer.
  • Lake Speed, is a former Nascar driver.

There are plenty more where they came from; but, if this idea holds true for most names, what of the people with the really bad ones? Let’s look at a few famous ones…

  • Kanye West and Kim Kardashian start the list off with North West.
  • Gwen Stefani and Gary Rossdale named their child Zuma Nesta Rock.
  • David Duchovny named his Kyd.
  • Alicia Silverstone has Bear Blu Jarecki.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow has Apple.
  • Sylvestor Stallone enters the list with Sage Moonblood.

And my personal favorite, Frank Zappa has four children, Ahmet, Diva, Dweezil and Moon Unit…Yes…Moon Unit Zappa

So the aptronym theory suggests we have astronauts, a fruit sales person, and a compass among others. What makes this all a little worse is the fact these kids have no say in the matter, so for their sakes let’s hope these names don’t set their destiny too strictly.

At this point I can picture smiles on most of your faces, and if that’s the case you’re in for some more fun with this next lot, after all the rich and famous can’t have all the fun can they? And by fun, I mean weird names. These are some of the names that “regular” folk have named their children:

Jagger, Couture, Excel, Yoga, Sanity, Vice, Xenon, Mango, Drifter, and Hippo. Take a breath, wipe the tears of laughter away, I’m not quite finished yet…There’s also: Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii, Yeah Detroit, Fish and Chips, Twisty Poi, Keenan Got Lucy, Sex Fruit, Midnight Chardonnay, Violence, and Number 16 Bus Shelter…Oh boy, how did it come to this?

I sit in horror thinking about the futures some of these poor souls have to look forward to if aptronyms have any truth behind them.

I will end the same way I started, reiterating some questions that hopefully you might think a little more about. What’s your name? Do you like it? Would you change it if you could?